I overslept today. I think I was subconsciously afraid to go out for my first run since the fall. I will be going out tomorrow for my run and thursday as well. Since I have nothing else to talk about, I’m going to talk about some stuff that has been in my mind recently.
It’s become more and more apparent to me just how common low self-esteem is in women. As a therapist, I have seen it many times. Personally, I have battled it myself. I won’t say that I have fully overcome it. It’s better some days and terrible other days. I just never realized to the full extent of how many people it affects. My mother in-law as well as hubby’s aunts still struggle with it. Funny thing about that is I never would have thought these women would have the issue. They are all gorgeous and amazing women.
As a child, I couldn’t look strangers in the eyes and felt immense pressure any time I had to go around my extended family. My mother shoved me in the county beauty pagents to give me confidence. What I really learned was how to pretend to have confidence. I could look people in the eyes. I could even smile at them. All the while completely shaking inside. Fake happy, that’s what I was able to do. I continued that throughout my teenage years and into my adult life. No one would ever have guessed that I left get-togethers silently going through entire conversations in my head like evidence in a murder case.
Nearly 30 years old, I’m finally getting my own hold on the issue. I’m learning to let go of the insecure thoughts with the help of my uber realistic hubby and I’m finally gaining real confidence. I wore my bikini when we went tubing this weekend and I didn’t feel uncomfortable for the first time in a long time. I will not lie to and say that my body is perfect. My stomach still has rolls and there are planty of things I still want to work on. I realized that it’s because I respect what my body has done over the past year. I appreciate it for taking me through two half marathons and preparing for this awesome Disney Challenge race. I am learning I may never look like a super model but who the hell wants to be that anyway? I’m okay with a soft body that is capable of pushing boundaries I never thought possible. I hope that I can find a way to give back and help teach this to other girls before they reach adulthood. I want to help save other girls from living with poor self-esteem well into their 50s and 60s. I hope that the wonderful ladies I know will also find a love for themselves and say Fuck society’s box. I love me for me.
Just some random ramblings for the day….